I had decided to kind of take a break from dating and dating apps. With my work schedule and mental health, I felt it was best and I just struggled relating or meshing or I don’t know…that instant “boom” when you meet someone, ya know? I had just ended conversation with someone who I had just met online. Never met them in person but after 2 days I had realized, this wasn’t for me. I didn’t have enough energy for me, let alone others who demanded so much of it. She was a wonderful woman…but it threw some mirrors in my face that I was not ready for and I hadn’t even had a date with this woman yet. I had to step away and I felt awful for doing so but it was for the best. I should know by now that every time I take this vow…I get challenged.
The following day I get the all familiar ding on the Facebook dating app. I see a face very familiar to me. This woman and I have crossed paths online 4 other times over the course of the past 3 years. A absolutely gorgeous woman whose body is an art canvas of tattoos. She performed acrobatic yoga, she had eyes that would steal your soul. A smile to get lost in. She took my breath away every time I saw her. It was at this point where I began to the paint the picture without knowing I was painting a picture.
The first time we spoke wasn’t on a dating site. At one point, she was into Metaphysics and Henna (I think). I was too at that same time in our lives. I had reached out to her via messenger to be a part of a Metaphysical fair we were hosting (through a non-profit BOD that I served on). She played coy with me and told me that she no longer performed Henna. I asked if she would be interested in grabbing a coffee to which I received no response. Fair enough and probably for the best. I was not near ready to date at this point yet and it was still very early after my divorce.
The first dating match (second encounter) was on a site which I’ll refer to as POF (aka the cesspool of dating sites). I recall her profile mentioning Buddhism and Spirituality and yoga…she seemed so great. I immediately reached out to her only to see that she read my message but chose to not respond. Which was probably for the best as I am not sure I was to a point where I could have made her happy. Not someone who carried so much magic, so much mystery, so much protecting of herself. I was still too damaged and my wounds still too fresh, even after time had passed.
Our third encounter was again on messenger. She was an admin at one point of a nearby city’s Facebook page. The same city hosted our Metaphysical fairs. I posted our Metaphysical fair ad on that page and she was the one who approved the post. I noticed this and reached out to her and re-introduced myself. I offered to buy a ticket for her if she wanted to attend and I mentioned our past interactions and probably got too wordy and fanatical. I went in too intensely, I think. Her response was asking me if I was on drugs. As if this were the first time we had ever crossed paths. I did reply that I was not and to not worry, I must be mistaken, she must not have been who I thought she was and that I’d never message her again.
Our fourth encounter was Tinder. I knew immediately and intentionally swiped right. Low and behold, we matched. She mentioned everything she had previously mentioned in POF regarding to her interest in spirituality and yoga and Buddhism on her Tinder profile. I reached out to her and asked if she remembered me. At this point she told me no. I replied back who I was, our history, our past interactions and how I thought we had a lot in common and that I found her quite fascinating. I even mentioned her asking me if I was on drugs during our last interaction. No response. Tinder is a matching app…we matched…I did not understand what was happening or why. My mind twisted a little bit at this point, my ego bruised, my frustration level rose. So I messaged her again (we know follow up messages when one party is unresponsive is a no-no). I told her everything I’ve ever thought of her. The magic I saw her consist of, her mystery, how I admired how guarded she was. I got wordy, which at times is a fault of mine when I feel great passion for something but if I wasn’t going to get a response from her…I was going to say it all. I explained I understood her being protective of her heart and that if she ever changed her mind, she knew where to find me. I mentioned that would be the last time she heard from me if she was not interested. That was that…for a while.
That brings me to our fifth encounter. Which just occurred 3 days ago and where this blog began. We matched on Facebook dating and yes, I intentionally liked her back knowing full well who she was. I had to think about swiping right on her for a bit…but this woman…a stunning piece of artwork that I for some reason cannot resist despite how standoffish or borderline mean she was to me in the past and SHE swiped right on ME? So I got for it and match her. I message as if we’ve never spoken before rather than taking my past “hey do you remember me” approaches. This time, she plays along and we hit it off AND she responds and continued to respond. I eventually ask her if she remembers any of our past encounters to which she says she does not and laughs about it. I leave it at that. However, what I was going to experience the next 2 days was nothing like the picture I painted of her in my head.
Turns out, she was extremely shallow, she was mean spirited, she was accusatory, she was looking for a sugar daddy, she was an energy vampire. She liked expensive, trendy things and spent money in unnecessary areas of her life. She not only was no longer into Metaphysics (she never fessed up that she ever was) she said it and astrology was “stupid”. I don’t put a lot of weight into astrology or Metaphysics myself but it was the way she said it that caught my attention. I do not use the word stupid. In my world, there are much more less mean spirited and more effective words to use no matter if it’s in reference to people or things or situations. She used this word often. She told me she does not like to date older men. Yet she’s still continuing to talk to me as if she wants a “We”. At this point I’m starting to step back in my mind a bit. I’ve experienced erratic types before.
We spoke for 2 days. She blasted me for smoking which is understandable and I do want to quit however at this point in my life, it’s a part of me. She then told me drinking a couple of nights a week was “a lot”. She was straight edge, no alcohol, tobacco, drugs, weed or meat (yes she was Vegan). She told me I’d have to give up meat, which I was ok with. She told me she doesn’t work and her love language is gifts. I asked what gifts and she told me money and said most of her men in the past would pay for her nails and for her to get massages. Again, she doesn’t have a job but somehow spends like she does without a man right now…I think. Everything about me, she did NOT like and I’m highly confused why she was still pursing this.
That entire 2 days I held her on a pedestal and gave her so much of my energy through affirmations and supportive words. I never received anything back in return, at all, other than her talking to me and sending me selfies of her in a corset. She wanted to talk on the phone but demanded a selfie before we did. While I do carry a tiny level of confidence, the camera absolutely HATES me and I have known this my entire life. I look much better in person. I do as she asks, even though she has plenty of my up to date pictures from Facebook. Her first response was my forehead looked weird. I had my eyebrows raised in the pic, which wrinkled my forehead, I had slept only 4 hours the night before due to talking to her and was in low lighting at home, in my PJs. Of course I looked awful! I’m a 41 yr old man with the stress of life, loneliness, anxiety, depression and an entire bag of self inflicted weight I’m dragging along behind me. I am not going to be that 31 yr old tight skinned man.
She calls me out of the blue, even after making fun of me….and it was the most difficult phone call I’ve ever had. She said very little, it was like me interviewing her. She seemed very disinterested. Never asked me anything in return. I never felt she wanted to be on the phone even though she’s the one who wanted the phone call. After about 10 minutes she told me she had to go as she had a hip hop class to get to. That was last night at 630pm. I haven’t heard from her since…and I’m ok with that.
A part of me is thankful I was able to experience this. A part of me is even borderline celebrating I had not only made it out of the gate this time but was sent corset pics…even if I ended up stuck in the muddy ruts mid-track. A part of me also regrets it though. I had painted a picture of this woman in my mind over the past 3 years and subconsciously convinced myself she was that person without ever meeting her or having a real conversation with her. That person is gone, forever banished from my mind. She never existed to begin with.
It was a beautiful picture…and all that’s left of it is smeared paint.