It’s Friday night. I’ve been feeling it build up inside of me for quite some time now. Like a balloon about to pop. There was a point in my life where I would take every Thursday evening after work and go somewhere. Typically it was to an elegant hotel bar for live music about 40 minutes from me. However, life became crazy on me. Between volunteering, a career, official side jobs and unofficial side jobs, for the past year I have done nothing but work/home. The one day, which is Sunday, that I am home I am going sunrise to sunset getting my stuff done. I also have two dogs who I would be lost and catatonic without. However they too are like kids and there comes a point I just need something outside of “this”.
My day started posting a Buy Sale Trade post looking for plastic containers for body creams that I could use. Someone private messaged me after seeing my post, saying “aren’t you cute” I mean…on Fuck My Life Friday…that felt pretty good.
Life has come to the point where it’s like someone tapping me in the temple. Over…and over. It was happening again. Life was becoming a void. I’ve had this discussion in my head the past couple of weeks as everyone talk retrogrades and blah blah blah. Discussions about what is real and what is an illusion of something else. Me and metaphysics have a love/hate relationship right now (and have for a while) and me and life are in a universal fight…for my own sanity and existence. I knew I had to get out of the house tonight.
All week the debate has been an 80’s metal cover band in one town at 9pm or a winery and live music in another from 5-7pm. I’m a 41yr old metal head but also an introvert who works a lot and when you start talking 9pm…I’m thinking pajamas and mentally winding down. So at the very last minute I chose the winery in Wamego (which I had no idea existed). A calm setting, with my thoughts, in which I can observe people for entertainment and mind my own. And thus…the night unfolded like the first rose of spring.
After 5 samples for $5 I was feeling pretty good. I chose a bottle of my favorite out the 5 and took a seat at the end of the bar, alone. Yes, alone which is how I wanted it. I needed…”nothing” yet to find something in that nothing in which I needed. I know, my head is a confusing place. I find experiences in life…they tend to happen when you are alone and forcing life to paint you a picture…of something…anything other than black. Just a little color…just a touch. And so it did…
My first experience was during intermission in which two lovely ladies ended up next to me as they were leaving. They were of different culture than what is the majority in Wamego and I found it refreshing. One asked if I was going to drink the bottle alone. This opened up a 10 min conversation about this lady’s Amazon career and her living 1.5 hours away, coming up only for this event. She even lectured the owner on his cheap plastic go home bags and was telling him Amazon has everything he needs. She smiled at me…and spoke to me…a lot…and then they left. I step outside for a smoke.
As I stepped out as woman more my age, or so I thought, was also going out. I held the door open for her and once outside she asked if I was from Wamego. This led to a long conversation standing outside in the cold. Turns out we both like the same wine at this place. Much to my surprise, she worked as a media consultant for KSNT. She introduces herself as do I.
7pm comes and goes and it’s time for everyone to go home. As she walks out I make a low key casual joke about us both leaving alone. This leads to a 20 minute conversation as the winery folk are growing impatient. She casually mentions how she is too old for me and we play the “guess my age” game. Turns out, she was a 60yr old who looked 44. It all made sense at that point. How my mindset found a connection who’s mind work similar. I even got a “typically men your age aren’t thinking about retirement”. I’m sitting there thinking to myself “wait to hear about my awesome pension plan”. I won’t elaborate too much on her story but she lost her husband in 2006 unexpectedly in front of her eyes. It forced her to find a career and a path on her own and the details she gave left me almost speechless. I also can’t express how refreshing it was to have a conversation about retirement and planning and struggles and life landmines that throw us into the abyss, unexpectedly and unprepared. As an introvert who usually wants every conversation to take minimal time as possible…I found it nice. I did let her know as a cord cutter how much I’d LOVE if they would do a all access option like CBS because I miss the KSNT local news (I know that makes me sound like a really old man). So if that ever does happen…you have me thank for that.
At this point it’s go home or go get groceries so I don’t have to do it after work at the shelter tomorrow. I choose groceries which also consists of a lot of bath and body supplies, most of which is for Xmas. I’m walking through the Ice Cream isle and get my frozen strawberries and low carb vanilla and this gorgeous woman with her friends mentions how she never had strawberries, chocolate and ice cream together. I look in my cart and along with my Stevia chocolate chips…I had everything and this was one hell of a coincidence. Her friends give her a hard time as I guess to them they didn’t feel those 3 things belonged together or something. They laugh and I’m standing there and her and I make eye contact. I shake my head. She smiles. I tell her she has no idea what she’s missing as I point to my cart. She smiles and is like “see, thank you” toward her friends and smiles at me as they all walk away laughing together.
I go to check out and remember I mentioned bath and body supplies? The college chic checking me out asks about the big ass container of Coconut Oil. “What’s it used for”? “Everything from cooking to putting on your body” I say. “That’s what I thought” she claims and she then starts talking about making bath bombs. I’m standing there with my jaw dropped. She says “that’s what the citric acid is for right”? The entire time she’s checking my items, we have this huge discussion about organic body stuff and her dreams for a blender for morning smoothies because her Dad wouldn’t let her take it with her for college. This conversation went long enough I had my receipt in my pocket and the guy behind me was growing impatient. I saw that look in her eyes…I’m old enough to know it when I see it. No sweet child…I would only scar your soul.
Tonight I found that it wasn’t life beating me down mentally, emotionally, physically and in every other way possible. It was me. There isn’t happiness, it’s only what we create within moments in which we also happen to be the creator of. A year ago when things got crazy and I quit taking that night for myself to go out alone and experience life, then began on taking more and more jobs on, is when the fog started to settle back in. IT’s not even about going out…it’s about at least giving yourself an opportunity to create a moment. Even if it’s a fleeting, blurry, light that you never see again…find a moment and hold it in the form of a smile and a memory and carry that shit with you, forever. I think I convinced myself that I had earned some sort of fucking hand me out from life and in doing so…forgot that I am the creator and that I quit creating.
The icing on the cake was The Cure’s…Friday I’m in Love coming on the radio as I was about 5 miles from home. I may not be in love but it’s Friday and for a few hours tonight, I escaped the pit of tar.
