It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I’m not sure I believe it matters or does not matter if I post or don’t post. I’m not even really sure why I have this site.
In the past 3-ish years I’ve burned through friends, acquaintances and romances. My beliefs in general have gone from one extreme to another. Through that I’ve lost friends whom I thought would always be in my life. It’s painful. People that did and still do mean so, so much to me. Like strangers now.
Left alone in what feels like a void. A negative. Have you ever played the SIMS and your character has gotten “stuck” due to a glitch? That’s what life feels like for me right now. I try to fight against it and it grows exhausting waking up to fight the same battles that had exhausted me so, the day before.
I recently began reading about Stoicism. Basically it boils down to what is within our control and what is out of control. For example our own thoughts, perceptions and reactions are within our control yet other people’s interpretations and perceptions and reactions are not. It had given me thought about some doors that I felt were still swinging open.
However my biggest realization is that I feel no longer in control of even myself. Like a leaf at the mercy of the wind. My thoughts, emotions, reactions, perceptions…they seem to dictate me and I am not strong enough to resist what they deliver.
How does one regain control when they do not have the strength to fight? Sometimes it feels easiest (and often times best) to sleep with the demon rather than punch it, as it whispers sweet nothingness into your ears.
It’s alone, in silence, that the voices become the loudest. Like a terrifying shrieking through a foggy, dark forest…searching for a non-existing moonlight.