Over the past maybe month, I came really close to quitting my job, I have reached out on houses and career opportunities in Colorado, dreams built, dreams crushed, my heart fluttered, my heart hurt, I’ve had people enter my life, exit my life, tore my tricept, had a crazy old lady yell at me on the phone while she sat on a toilet and all of this while feeling trapped alone on an island of dark matter that glows in the blackest of nights. There were a couple of months of build up leading up to this…lack of fulfillment, emptiness, loneliness, lack of growth and a lack of movement forward in life and my career. Add depression, anxiety and just my fucked up mind on top of it all…I saw the train coming and each time I see it coming, it takes more and more to stop it. My light was burning out…and it’s exhausting trying to keep it lit, so I’ve decided to blow it completely out and jump in front of that train (figuratively speaking).
None of this matters and that goes both ways. If none of THIS matters…then none of THAT can matter either. It’s a Philosophical rule. What we do, what we think, what we feel…none of it and even if it did matter, we as humans have a constant thirst for “more” which negates anything truly mattering other than the actual thirst itself. A desire filling our heads with fantasy. We will never be satisfied. What we would do, how far would we go, what compromises would we make to get that which truly matters. Scared of being uncomfortable, we remain in what we know as comfortable. Seeking a level of momentary happiness from one desire to another to another with the poisons that we offer and which they so willingly drink. Nietzsche once said “it’s the desire that is loved, not the desired”.
We never go through just one death in our life. We go through several. We think we desire this or that and when we get it…we want more, we want, we want…we want and we keep pushing and we keep pushing until one day we finally think we’ve made it or that things are how they need to be. Before we know it, suddenly…the light which once surrounded us ever so brightly can’t seep through the cracks of darkness that we created. Things begin to crumble around us. Years pass by and we look back and realize what we thought at the time wasn’t what was real or true to our inner selves. It was only what we knew at the time. The majority of the time, there is no getting that back once a certain threshold is crossed. When you constantly want more in whatever way that may be, you potentially lose it all. I’ve made that mistake twice over the past few years. Opportunities fleet by us ever so briefly only to be swept away…and magic only appears when we can barely see. That’s why we typically end up missing it. It’s up to us to decide what truly matters in what ways we choose to make them matter. Which ones will we chase…which ones are worth chasing.
So until further notice, the lighthouse is closed for repair. It still works but the light is dim, the foundation is caving in and the water to get there has grown toxic.
Danger, keep away.