In the blink of an eye, as a matter of fact. Without ever seeing it coming. I don’t dream often. With age (both literally and metaphorically) they tend to be a rare occurrence. However, when I do dream they are SO “real” that I can smell smells, I can feel knots in my stomach. My analytical mind in the “real world” magnifies within the realms of fantasy and torment. They are so real that when I wake it takes me time to “return” to reality.
I’ve had things on my mind lately. It’s been 3 years since my divorce and dating, meeting new people, it’s a struggle finding the unique energy, passion, creativity, elegance, artistic, peaceful energy I seek. Add trying to match commonalities and the fact that I work a LOT…it’s been wearing on me emotionally, mentally and physically.
On my way home late from a side job last night, randomly in my mind my ex-wife entered. Wondering if she was still living in that town. Wondering if she’s found happiness. Hoping that one day I don’t see a picture of her and a new beau on her Grandmother’s social media (whom I’m still friends with and connected to via social media). Random thoughts just popping in… This happens once in a while and typically I can force myself to move past those thoughts and focus my energy elsewhere. Last night though…was different.
I don’t recall much from my dream. Other than my ex-wife’s finger as if it were on a movie screen, blown up larger than life…with a sparkling ring on it. I could see every crease in her skin, knuckles and how they shined like I remembered them. I felt that lump in my throat, that knot in my stomach. The tears I felt myself fighting to hold back. In that moment of trajectory I was connected to something.
I remember a family picture but it wasn’t a picture…it was her family gathering for this picture. There was a guy and I think I saw his face but I can no longer recall it at all. I remember her holding up her hand…flashing the ring.
I remember her glasses and how she still looked so elegant. Like a flower dancing between sunlight and shade. Her smile still the brightest star. The way she held her hands together in front of her during family pics and still carrying her confidence mixed with uncertainty. The way her hair flowed and how her eyes still sparked, gleamed and mesmerized.
Then I woke. Like a failing and falling star being ripped from the galaxy only to disintegrate into the dark atmosphere that it once helped make bright.
I feel like I did not sleep at all last night. Wiped out, beaten, strangled, held hostage, imprisoned. I don’t know how to escape. There are days where I convince myself I’ve moved on…but perhaps life knew a piece of me had not. My fears and self disappointment over the past 3 years created this shadow that constantly follows me.
A part of me melted when I saw her, like it was the first day. A part of me was thankful to feel her energy again. A part of me hates that she’s still there in my mind and heart. I don’t know if this was a part of some ongoing punishment by life, or serves as a reminder of my failures. Maybe I’m slipping. Maybe it was life’s way of grabbing me and shaking me and telling me to move on. Maybe it was metaphorical. Maybe it was confirmation. Maybe it was Goodbye. Maybe this is hell.
My dreams have become a prison in which, I’ll never be set free.
